jump

(for bas jan ader)

ILLEGAL JUMP
The rules of worm charming competitions forbid competitors from jumping on their allotted patch of ground to bring earthworms to the surface. In French, the word for worm (ver) is a homophone for the word for poetic verse (vers). So, in sound at least, French worm charmers are forbidden from bringing poetry to the surface ... Jump to bring poetry to the surface.

VEGETABLE JUMP
Jump like the Mexican jumping bean.
Jump like the Iranian jumping melon.
Jump like the French jumping courgette.
Jump like the Zambian jumping mange-tout.

HOT JUMP
Jump wearing too many jumpers.

IMPRESSIVE STUNT JUMP
Jump off a diving board into a glass of water.

ANIMAL JUMP
Jump like a penguin, terrier, giraffe, orang-utan, zebra, hoopoe, salmon, spider, flea, human.
Jump while barking, whinnying, quacking, braying, grunting, purring.

COMIC JUMP
Jump with your trousers round your ankles.
Jump with a peeled banana in your ear.
Jump on the banana skin.

ANGER MANAGEMENT JUMP
Jump until your rage disperses. Count the number of jumps required. Keep an updated record of the numbers, in the form of a graph. File it between PLEASE and QUIET, under RAGE.

CRITICAL JUMP
Jump like a smug pseudo-bohemian.
Jump like a callous sophisticate.
Jump like an utter plonker.

MINERAL JUMP
Jump like a pebble. Jump like a mountain.

FATHER JUMP
Jump like your father. Jump round your father. Jump over your father. Jump like a father.

TAOIST JUMP
Jump the jump that is a jump, and yet not a jump.

INAPPROPRIATE JUMP
Jump in a crouching hop behind a complete stranger in the supermarket.
Jump up and down in the queue for the cash machine.
Jump up and down at a funeral.

NEW AGE JUMP
Jump into the radiant aura that emanates from Atman, the world’s soul.

OLD AGE JUMP
Jump using your braces as a bungee.
Jump without your teeth in.

RECKLESS JUMP
Jump out of the window of a room you’ve never visited before.
Jump on thin ice.

ETHICAL JUMP
Jump for the love of the elsewhere of another.
Jump for all those unable to jump.
Jump for mercy and repair.

METEOROLOGICAL JUMP
Jump like rain.
Jump like snow.
Jump like lightning.

PEACE-PROCESS JUMP
Jump like Ariel Sharon. Jump like Yasser Arafat.
Jump between the two of them, and teach them each other’s jump.

ACROSTIC GEOGRAPHICAL DISPLACEMENT JUMP (AGDJ)
Jump to Japan.
Jump to Uruguay.
Jump to Mauritania.
Jump to Peru.

SUITABLY ATTIRED JUMP
Jump in your jump suit.

DISSIDENT JUMP
Refuse to jump.

ARCHETYPAL PSYCHOLOGY JUMP
Jump like Hermes, the wing-footed messenger.
Jump like Nux, the goddess of the night.

INVISIBLE JUMP
Jump in the dark.
Jump on the inside.
Jump at a blind jumpers convention.

RHYMING JUMP
Jump like a lump with a hump.

DURATIONAL JUMP
Jump until the cows come home.

TELEKINETIC JUMP
Jump to rearrange the furniture in the Oval Office.

IM/POSSIBLE JUMP 1
Jump between two selves.
Jump between two worlds.
Jump inside the body of another.
Jump to raise the spirits of the dead.
Jump as if there’s no tomorrow.
Jump until your heart’s desired.
Jump without ever landing.

EXTREME EMOTIONAL JUMP (EEJ)
Jump for joy. Jump with fear. Jump right out of your skin.

PARADIGM SHIFT JUMP
Jump in a way that’s never been done before.

CONCEPTUAL GRAVITY JUMP
Jump over a hobby horse, trip and fall.
Hang onto a branch in a tree for as long as you can, then jump into a bush below.
Sit on a chair on the roof of your house: tilt the chair to the point of imbalance, slide down the roof, and fall into the garden.
Ride your bike along the towpath of a canal, tilt the bike to the point of imbalance, and fall in the canal.
Jump across the Atlantic in a 13-foot boat ‘in search of the miraculous’, and disappear without trace.

IMPOSSIBLE JUMP 2
Jump across your own shadow.

(‘jump to bring poetry to the surface’, in Ian Abbott (ed.), Jump, Devon: Elusive Camel Books. Contributors include Matthew Goulish, Kirsten Lavers, Stephen Hodge, Cupola Bobber)